Fine Lines between Fact and Rumors: A Jealous Heart

          My Ex and I are still officially broken up. We've had plenty of texting convos, and phone calls that either end in fights...or tears.

About a week ago we got into a lil spat because he found out I was sorta seeing a close friend of mine. Really I'd just use him as arm candy, since the ex is over 100 miles away and I only see him about once a month...maybe. The rest of my friends have all split off in pairs...and then theres me. Head over heels in love with someone i barely see. So anyways, he finally admitted that he was upset because he just didn't want to see me with someone else.

I was thrilled. Thought we're turning over a new leaf. Maybe we can actually work threw our issues and for once make it work....we all know the inevitable. Its just the process of getting there.

And then I find out hes bringing "a friend" to his frats formal.

In his defense...he came to this conclusion a week before the dance. But still I was hurt.
He swore over and over that they were just friends, that nothing would happen. However I've been to a formal...your in a hotel room with 4 couples...and 4 beds. This is why I was hurt and upset.

So come Saturday I went out with my friends and celebrated Cinco de Mayo the only way we know how....with too much alcohol. I ended up hooking with the friend mentioned above. I felt terrible. But I felt wronged and betrayed...yet again.

But then the following day came around and I found out that the Ex also hooked up with his date.
But he still wants to see me when he gets home...he wants to work on things.

Am I wrong for not feeling the same anymore?
We haven't changed.
I miss him.
I love him.
I know hes my future.
But right now theres just so much growing the both of us need to accomplish before we can actually get there.

And then maybe we'll reallize this was all just young love...with nowhere to go.

The 100 Day Rule

Anyone familiar with this? No? Good you shouldnt be.

But basically this rule is religious based, something about jesus haveing something happen within 100 days, idk.
So my cousins have lived on this rule when finding a future husband...

Why?

How can you honestly say you know someone within 100 days? You dont.

Ive been off and on with the same guy for 4 years. I know him. We hit our bumps, but I know hes my future. We get eachother. We understand eachother. We take care if eachother. He can read my mind, he takes care of me. But thats 4 years. Ill have a ring on my finger at 5.

My grandparent have poopoo'd my future with this man whos gearing up to attend law school in a year. But absolutely love my cuzins husband who quit his job as a barista at starbucks, to make his own brand of diapers in his basement....

silly me for wanting a solid future, minus the worries over money. What was I thinking?!

Im not sure my other cousins fiance does, ive never met him. Ive seen pictures and hes a spitting image of my uncle, and has future fatty written alllllll over him.

My male cousins are a whole different story.

One is 23 years old, use to be an abercrombie model. Now hes chubby getting chubbier, his hair is turning grey, and hasnt had a gf in 3 years....im pretty sure hes had a few bfs tho.

I hold out hope for his brother tho. Hes was with the same girl for 2 years, he recently broke up with her. Claims he was getting bored. I think she was getting to close with his mom....however she was a ginger therefor has no soul so they were destined to be buds.

Parents Reasoning: ins and outs of insanity

      I'm no angel, ill be the first to testify to that. I might drink a little too much, stay out a little too late, and ocassionly reason with little white lies. But im young. This is what you do before you spend the rest of your life locked away in a house with a man you might or might not love, and children that cause more of a headache then anything else.
       Now what i dont comprehend with parents is the whole.kicking your child out of the house scenerio. They tell you they'll get an apartment, and you say good luck you have no money. So then where are you expecting them to go? Yeaa they have friends, they can couch surf for a little, but that only gets you so far.
      Your basically telling your child I dont give a fuck, live on the streets. And then you end it with that infamous line "you are not welcomed back."
      So say goodbye to your child, the future husband and grandkids you'll never meet. Say goodbye to any hope of having a relationship with your kid, for what? Something you think they did, but didnt. You ruined your relationship, caused hatred for both, for nothing.

Happy now?

Letting Go

     How many times can you really forgive someone? Their mistakes in the past are always there, stored away in the back of your mind ready to unhatch themselves at the worst of moments. Can someone ever really change? They promise it, swear to it. But who they where, the person that caused nothing but pain, is always there somewhere ready to rear that sneering head of theirs. And why can't people just give up after breakups? Its what you wanted. So im not sitting at home, crying over a past love thats long been missing, you feel the need to just be mallicious?
        Some people are just so arrogant and set in their ways, they have no idea what their doing. Or they manipulative enough where they know exactly what their doing. Ill take the later when it comes to you. Always finding someway to hold me by a string, "i really need to talk to you, but today doesnt work...niether does tomorrow."
Play your games with someone else.

       Ive never been so disgusted or felt so betrayed by someone who throws that four letter word around. We were good at a time. We were in love at a time. But I reallized I was in love with the 17 year old boy who was sweet and trustworthy....but he was lost some years ago. We've both grown, your cocky and arrogant and egotistical, and will never love someone more then you love yourself. And im no longer the girl who'll put up with it.

I wish I could say I was angry, or hurt, or even just felt the tiniest bit of love for you, but I cant...im numb.

You cant blame distance on your consistent need to flirt with others, you were well aware from the beginning distance played a big part for us. And you certainly cant blame distance on your choice to keep me a secret.

My Heart was Talking to my head, Said I've loved once I'll never Love again...

History Repeats Itself.

     We've all heard it. We either chose to listen, or ignore it. Why would it repeat itself? Did we not learn our lesson the first time? Or at least now we know how to change it.
Wrong.
     No matter how many second chances you had out to someone, somehow in the end you're the one sitting there feeling like an idiot. You felt like they really had in fact changed, or you can help them change for the better. You CAN'T change someone unless THEY are willing to change.
     I've lived my life once without you, it's not that I can't live without you, I just don't want to. But how much trust can you keep giving someone to have it just thrown in your face. You get walked all over and for what? The feeling of love that might or might not just be in your head? You fall asleep next to a man you would give your world to, that you want your future with...but what do you do when that person just keep repeating the same mistakes? Are you so blindsided by what you feel is love to even see past what you believe are the good things, to see that maybe this person isn't meant for you.
     When I let you go, You come crawling back one way or another, just with extra baggage. You'd think you'd see the things you've put me threw in the past 4 years and try your hardest to NOT lose me like you claim you don't want to. But somehow even when I call you out on your lies, it's my fault. I'm to blame.

      I'm not one to just give up and walk away. But when do you know enough is enough and walking away is the best for everyone?

THAT GIRL